Haze, deep and thick.
I can’t see my hand in front of my face.
Haze so thick it drowns out your voice.
I want to hear you but I can’t.
I want to see you but I can’t.
Come clear the haze that’s in my mind.
Make it clear again so that I can see.
Make it clear again, come and rescue me.
So last night I went to Clarity and I had the conversations about Ethiopia that I always seem to have. I talked to people about missing it, how amazing it is, and not being able to wait to go back. Sometimes when I talk about it I feel like a broken record honestly but the thing is that it’s pretty much always on my mind. I really cannot honestly say that there has been a single day since I’ve been back that I have not thought about Ethiopia. It’s weird to me to love people so much that you barley know, to want to be somewhere that isn’t home so badly.
So I went home after Clarity and checked my blog. I saw a post on Matt’s adoption blog where they had some facts about Ethiopia and I must say my heart has a few new cracks in this moment. We sang a song in church this week and some of the words in the song are, “break my heart for what breaks Yours.” I have a feeling that the facts that I read in this blog break the heart of a God who loves the people of Ethiopia. My prayer is that He would continue to, as the song says; break my heart for things like this that break His heart. Anyway my point in all this was to share the stats with you. I pray they move you. To what I don’t know, but I think that maybe that’s what we need sometimes, just to be affected by something. Any way here they are:
”Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn’t do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines, sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.” – Mark Twain
Imagine waking up daily to the sorrowful sound of a man wailing and calling his Muslim brothers and sisters to prayer. As you breathe in the cool, crisp morning air of Ethiopia, imagine seeing a man who has already lived most of his life walking to the mosque to pray and worship. As he walks he cradles his beloved Koran in his hands. Imagine walking into a room at the airport (created specifically for Muslims to come and pray) and seeing women and children with their mats unrolled, laying on their face and praying. Imagine all these things and then imagine what this must do to the heart of God…
Hello friends,
I know it has been far to long since my last Ethiopia story. Things have been busy lately, but I’m sure you all know how that is. This marks the third occasion on which I have sat down to write and each time I have not known what to say. There is no shortage of stories but I have struggled with which to tell and how to tell them. It is no secret that I miss Ethiopia and that I am ready to go back. Lately I have been thinking about it even more. This week another group from our church returned from a trip to Afghanistan. Seeing their pictures and hearing just a piece of their stories brought a few memories to the forefront of my mind, most of these memories centered around the Muslim call to prayer that we heard daily when we were in Ethiopia. This is something I will never forget, but if I am being honest the memory of the feeling that I had deep in my heart every time I heard that call to prayer has started to fade a little. I began to read through my journal so that I could remember and there were a few entries that stood out to me and made that feeling return. I wrote this to remind myself. My prayer is that in some way it can affect you as well, that it can stir your heart in some way.
Journal entry June 7,2008:
I continue to be amazed by the beauty, depth, and tradition of the Muslim people…I really feel myself falling more in love with the Muslim people. There is a thought to freak my mom out for a lifetime. It is beautiful to me to see the women in their hijab [headscarves], their modesty and their partaking in tradition, in something that is so important to them… I wonder if they would be more open to relationships and hearing what we have to say if we were more respectful and loving to them and their culture. I wonder if they are open and we just don’t see it because of our pride and judgments against them. Their language is so beautiful! How much of a joy it must be for the Lord to hear these people praise Him with the beautiful language He has given them. All this joy from the Egyptians in the airport, I cannot wait until we get to Ethiopia and the Lord blesses me with the honor of meeting His beautiful Ethiopian people.
June 10, 2008:
I think of all the things in Egypt, the thing that touched me the most was the people and the overwhelming presence of Islam. When we were driving I could not help but notice how there seemed to be a mosque on almost every corner. Of course they were all beautiful, but those mosques hold people who are so devoted to their beliefs yet so completely lost without the truth. There were women everywhere dressed in either headscarves or burkas. And yes they were beautiful, but my heart also broke for them. I pray that they will meet someone who will tell them the truth and they will understand and believe.
June 12, 2008:
Can I just say again how beautiful these people are? When I look at the joy of these people all the little “sacrifices” we make being here are so worth it and so insignificant.
I hear again the man doing the call to prayer. Every time I hear the call to prayer I am both challenged and broken. Challenged because I still see myself as so much less zealous than the Islamic people and broken because though they are zealous, they are lost. Brokenness seems to in a way be the theme of the day.
June 13, 2008:
As I was sitting here doing my reading I saw an Islamic man walking, with his Koran in hand, to the mosque. Lord thank You for this new found love for Islamic people. Lord use me somehow and change their hearts and lives. Bless that man, may he find truth.
It’s hard for me to describe what hearing this call daily stirred in my heart. Those of you who have experienced being in countries where this call is heard daily probably understand better than anyone else. I’m not entirely sure why God is stirring these things in my heart now, when I am still months away from Ethiopia. I pray however, that this would continue to stir my heart. I’m not sure exactly what to do with this uneasy feeling right now, but I know God has a reason for all things. Maybe it is just to prepare me for what is ahead. I pray that somehow God has used my jumbled thoughts to speak to you. Grace and peace…
It has been about three months since I returned from Ethiopia. All I can say is the time between now and when I can return in June cannot pass quickly enough. When I left Ethiopia I knew there were so many stories to tell, but I was not sure the best way to tell them all. One thing I knew was that I had a notebook full of stories and thoughts and close to two thousand pictures, pictures of people whose stories needed to be told to whoever would listen. I have told many of these stories but there are many more to tell. I had the idea to use my blog to tell these stories. So this will be the first in what I hope are many blogs to tell the stories of the people I met while in Ethiopia. I will tell you what I know of their histories, how the team and I were able to interact with them and help them, and the impact that they had on me personally. I hope that these stories both bless you and challenge you. I hope that some of these stories may even move some of you to going yourself. So here we go, welcome to Ethiopia, welcome to a part of my journey.
Welcome to Ethiopia a land with 13 months of sunshine, a land that smells like a wood burning chimney, a land full of people that I now love. This is the story of a woman named Yergalem. On our second day of teaching Yergalem came to the school with her two youngest daughters Nesanet and Bruhan. They were younger than the rest of the children we were planning on teaching but we had no intention of telling this mother and her two children that they could not stay and learn. As Leah and Sarah taught the mother sat with her girls and learned right along side them. Whenever the instruction time was over the class went outside to have recreation time. Tammi and I were sitting on the sidelines talking and taking pictures of the students playing and Yergalem came to where we were and began talking to us. Faven, our translator joined us and the four of us started a conversation that in the end would lead too much more than we could have imagined at the time.
As we began talking Yergalem told us that she could not afford to put her children in school because she did not have the money. Her husband left one day and never came back. She was left to take care of her four children by herself. She told us that she had been working as a housekeeper to try and provide for her family but because of a hand injury it was hard for her to do any real work besides odd jobs. Tammi then asked her about her beliefs. She told us that she had gone to a Protestant church a few years back but that she was now going to an Orthodox church. Tammi continued the conversation by asking her what she believed about Jesus and then presenting her with the message of salvation. After Tammi told her about Jesus and about how to be saved the woman told us that she wanted to accept Christ as her Savior. Tammi turned to me and asked me to lead her in a prayer. This is the point where I realized that for all the outreaches I’ve done in the States and all the mission trips I’ve taken overseas I’ve never been the one leading the prayer. I also realized it is not the words but the attitude of the heart that is praying and accepting. So I prayed, Faven translated, and Yergalem accepted. When we said amen the look on her face was one I will never forget. The joy and the love that flowed from this woman were so beautiful that I do not know how to describe it. The next question this woman asked was even more beautiful. She looked at Tammi and I and asked if she could have a Bible. We told her that as soon as we got back to the bus there was a Bible with her name on it! I think in that moment the joy on her face doubled. It was absolutely beautiful. Everyday after this Yergalem and her daughters were at the school waiting for us and everyday we saw Yergalem she was holding the Bible we had given her. The way she held that Bible spoke to me. She was saying with her actions that the last thing she wanted to do was put that Bible down because it meant so much to her. Over the course of us being there Tammi also realized that this family was the one she has been looking for. She chose to sponsor this family. We set it up with our contacts in Ethiopia and now all of Yergalem’s children are going to be able to go to school. Her family now has the security that it has lacked for a long while.
While we may have been able to be the way God physically provided for this family they also blessed us more than I think I could ever write in a blog. This family basically became our adopted family while we were in country. Every time we came to the school they were waiting for us with arms open for hugs, or the kids with arms open for us to pick them up and carry them around all day. We shared our lives with these beautiful people for 4 weeks. We went to church together, we learned together, we ate meals together, we laughed and cried together, and we loved each other. When we had to say goodbye to this family a piece of our heart, a big piece, stayed there with them. We know that God allowed all of this to happen and we praise Him for it. We long for the day we will see them again and we know that the love we have for each other will never go away. This is just the story of one. I can’t wait to tell you more.
Hurricane, hurricane, hurricane…. There I got that out of the way. Yes, I am about to blog about the hurricane, original I know. It feels like these last few weeks have been months and I know that the affects of the hurricane are far from over for a lot of people. It’s strange, between school starting again and basically life starting again it feels like in some ways it is over but I don’t really want to move on. There are still reminders everywhere, still people hurting everywhere and I am struggling to find where my mind should be in all of this. Part of me is saying, “Ok school is back in session, time to focus here.” And the other part of me is saying, “Here is the time to stand up and really love people, to spend every moment you can helping meet those physical needs.” I’ve talked to several others who feel this same way.
I love what Russell was talking about Sunday with this being a time for us to find a new normal. Maybe that is what I’m really longing for. A new normal. A normal in which we are reaching out and actually helping those around us instead of just talking about it, a new normal where we tell those around us that we love them because we realize yet again that life is short, a new normal where we realize that possessions are not as important as people, a new normal where we stop looking at the TV and computer screens and actually spend real time with people in real conversations. Maybe life would be better if we did not rebuild those fences or turn our televisions back on. I don’t know I’m just thinking here. God, show me a new normal. Continue to make me question what I do and why. Make me uncomfortable for Your glory.
So I must admit that lately I have been a bit distracted and if you have spent more than an hour with me lately you may have realized it or maybe not. The fact is there has been this weird haze lately. I’ve noticed it mostly when I am alone trying to be quiet either when studying for school, having my quiet times, or when trying to go to sleep. It’s like I have a thousand different thoughts in my mind and none of them will settle long enough for me to be able to think about any particular one for very long. This can be quite annoying when trying study or when trying to go to sleep. Knowing that all this has been going on I must be honest and say that in some ways I was not sure about sitting through a sermon on Sunday morning. Don’t get me wrong I love going and hearing new and old truths about God but in my mind I was afraid it would be like everything else lately. I was afraid that I would not be able to focus and I would just end up more distracted. When I walked into Awaken Sunday morning my whole attitude was different. I can’t really explain it. It was like I felt safe again, I felt level headed. When we took those few moments of silence it was beautiful and peaceful. It was what I think I’ve needed for a while now to sit and just be, to just take a few seconds and soak up the presence of God.
As I thought later about that experience it reminded me of Psalms 4: 8, “I will lie down and sleep in peace, for you alone, O Lord, make me dwell in safety.” Every time I read this verse I get the image in my head of when I was a child and my parents would tuck me in bed and tell me to sleep well and not be afraid because they were there. It’s almost like God the Father is coming down and saying don’t be afraid child, don’t worry, I’m here and everything is going to be alright. I don’t know there is just something about that thought that brings such peace to my heart. I guess I should make more time to just be silent before God and rest in the fact that He is there and even when I don’t have it all together that’s alright because He does. Praise Him for that…
So I was journaling the other day after my quiet time and I was reminded of the verse in Psalm 42 where it talks about the deer panting for the water. As many times as I have heard this verse referenced before I don’t think I have ever been able to truly visualize what it is really talking about. So I read the verse and wondered why I was so drawn to it but was not sure what to do so I closed my Bible for the time and went on with life.
Later I was listening to a pod cast by Matt Chandler from the Village Church and guess what verse he happens to mention, that’s right Psalm 42. He had other points to his sermon but the thing that grabbed me the most were the first two verses, “As the deer pants for streams of water, so my soul pants for you, O God. My soul thirsts for God, for the living God. When can I go and meet with God?” As he began to describe these verses he painted the picture of the huge deer sitting next to a stream with the words, “as the deer…” neatly written in cursive in the background. He said this is the image most people get in their head; they are trying to make this verse cute. He then went on to shatter that delusion. He said this verse is not a cute verse; this verse is an agonizing verse in which the Psalmist is crying out to God and comparing himself to an animal dying from a lack of water. Now that image is a completely different one. A man in agony crying out to God, longing to be filled by His Spirit instead of dying of dehydration and emptiness. This is the image this verse is really meant to bring to our minds this is the image that finally for me at least makes sense when I try and picture this passage in my mind.
As I continued to read on in this chapter of Psalms and into the next another verse caught my attention, Psalm 42:5, “Why so downcast, O my soul? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise Him, my Savior and my God.” The thing about this verse that grabs my attention at first is the fact that the author changes his attitude so quickly. He goes from saying that his soul is downcast and disturbed to saying that he will hope in God and praise him as his Savior. I don’t know it’s almost like he is giving himself a pep talk or something. He is saying that yes things are bad but instead of focusing on the bad he wants to put his hope in Christ and praise him as his Savior. I guess all in itself the verse is not earth shattering and then I kept reading and I saw that as I continued to read to the end of chapter 43 this very same phrase is repeated again two other times (42:11, 43:5). For the Psalmist to repeat this phrase three times in the span of a few short chapters makes me think this was a point he really wanted to get across. I don’t know it’s like the more I read or think about the words David used in these Psalms the stronger they become. I can just picture the man after God’s own heart sitting there weeping and pouring out his heart to God, crying out to God for His mercy, His love, and His very presence. There is just something so powerfully moving and challenging about it all. I pray that I would thirst for the presence of God like it was the last glass of water on earth and I was dying of dehydration…
Tonight God gave me the opportunity to share at my old churches youth group about my trip to Ethiopia. I did your typical telling about what we did and showing some pictures and then I told them about some things that God has been laying on my heart. I thought maybe I would share those things with you here as well.
Since I’ve been back from Ethiopia God has been working on a lot of things in my heart. One thing that continues to attract my attention and hog my thoughts has been the poverty of Ethiopia verses the almost overwhelmingly materialistic lifestyle of most Americans. I know that I have struggled with the need for stuff, as have many other people I’ve talked to. But as I came home and traveled directly to California and then came back home it was like I was smacked in the face with stuff. I mean I came home and sat in my room, looked around and almost got sick to my stomach at how much stuff I have been able to accumulate in my years on this earth. All I could think was this is all so unnecessary. Sunday I heard two sermons, which once again pounded this theme into my head. The thoughts I shared with the youth group were not necessarily about our personal struggles with materialism but more about how materialism may effect us a church.
When I was in Ethiopia I saw some of the most pure worship I have ever seen in my life. I mean I sat in rooms with people who basically had nothing but they poured themselves out heart and soul before God. This what God was talking about when he said he wants us to worship him in spirit and truth. Their worship just seemed so untainted by the things of this world. They didn’t have or need power points, bulletins, fancy sound systems, or stained glass windows they just had each other and time they had set aside to come together and worship God. I think sometimes as I sit in churches in America that we almost let our things pervert our worship to God. I know that God has allowed us to live in a land of plenty and I’m not saying we should necessarily give up everything and live lives of poverty. What I’m trying to say is that we should be giving God the best of ourselves, not our stuff. I think that maybe we have let our worship become us saying, “Here God, take the best of my possessions as my worship.” And instead God is saying, “I don’t want the best of your possessions, I want the best of who you are. I just want you.” I think that instead of always giving God our stuff we should be pouring out our lives as an offering for him. God has all things in this world already, what he wants is your pure and undivided worship and love of Him. So I guess the challenge is this: Don’t let the things God has allowed you to have taint your worship, love, and reverence for Him. I think when we follow after Him and worship and love him with all of who we are everything else will seem so much less important.
Well I’ve been home from Ethiopia about two weeks now so I guess it is about time for a blog. There is just one problem with this, every time I sit down to write about Ethiopia my mind is flooded with so many thoughts, memories, and emotions I don’t know where to start. In many ways it feels like I was there just yesterday teaching, hugging little kids, and worshipping with the believers at the house churches. In another way it feels like the last month has been a wonderfully amazing dream, that I am just now waking up from. If this were the case I just wish I could go back to sleep! 
So I guess my brain is not composed enough to really write yet so instead I am just going to take some time to write some of the thoughts that are hogging most of the space in my brain in hopes that writing will help me sort them out. If you care to keep reading that would be great but I don’t promise this will always make sense (just a warning).
I learned a long time ago that being in a foreign country (now multiple times, in multiple countries) has given me a different outlook on a lot of things. I am thankful for a perspective that is a little different but some times I know that life would be easier without this perspective. I also learned a long time ago that this different perspective can also tempt me to become a little calloused and bitter about the life myself and others live in America. It took me a while to see that letting this perspective effect me in this way accomplished nothing. I learned that asking God why He allowed me to be born in America into so much blessing is not as good of a question as asking Him what He wants me to do with those blessings. In Ethiopia I was confronted with a whole new perspective of heart breaking poverty that basically slaps you in the face daily. I am still trying to comprehend in my mind why God allowed me to see certain things He allowed me to see while I was there.
I have also gained a whole new perspective and love for the Islamic (Muslim) people than I ever expected. While we did not encounter an overwhelming amount of Muslim people in our time in Ethiopia I had enough contact to gain a slightly new perspective on things. Interacting with these people has allowed me to see that while I do not agree with their religion, I love them. It has allowed me to once again confirm that these people all not all extremists who hate us. How sick I am of hearing that lie! There are extremist in any religion or belief it does not mean that we should choose to generalize and breed hate against them all. My heart is heavier than ever when I hear people make comments to this effect.
I also have seen now more than ever my heart for missions grow. I know for certain that the call is missions. I have seen the great need once again and I pray that God continues to allow me to be a part of meeting that need, even if it is in a small way. I am not sure in what capacity I will fulfill that call. Maybe it is a lifetime of foreign missions work, whatever that may mean, maybe it is life of continuing to do short terms trips. All I am sure of is the call.
I guess the biggest of all questions lingering in my mind is how I allow all of these new experiences, ideas, and emotions to live in one person. How do I allow all of this to co-exist with the person I am back here in America? I know that I am changed, for this I am thankful. I will never be the exact same person I was a month ago again. But I wonder if the two worlds can co-exist inside of me? Can I keep the brokenness and passion I experience in Ethiopia while I am here in the States, or am I doomed to once again conform to the patterns that have been set in place by the society I now live in? My prayer is that I remain changed, that I remain broken for the things that break God’s heart. I don’t know, maybe the two are not supposed to fit neatly together. Maybe it is better this way, so that not conforming is at the front of my mind. Maybe…
I am constantly reminded of just how amazing God is, like we could forget right? I guess the purpose of this post is to just recap the week. So if you’re interested just keep reading…
So I am now two days away from Ethiopia and I must say this week has been quite awesome. Sunday I went to church and heard several great messages. In Sunday school I was able to see one of my friend’s roommates and found out she was going to France with Sagemont and then we had the wonderful experience of being prayed for by the people in our class. After Sunday school someone gave me a check for $500 to go towards my trip, praise God! After church I was able to go to lunch and spend the day with friends both old and new and all equally amazing.
Monday we packed up all the materials for the school in Ethiopia. Tuesday I spent the day hanging out with my mom and preparing more for Ethiopia. Today I spent the day of course doing more Ethiopia prep and then went up to Pine Drive for youth tonight. It was great as always. After the service was over most of the youth stuck around and we had an amazing time of prayer for the direction of the youth group. I love that there was silence for a while when people were praying, no one likes silence anymore. I know the Lord is doing and will continue to do amazing things with this group of students. I can see their heart for the Lord, and it is truly my honor to be with them every Wednesday. After they prayed for the youth group they also prayed for me. I cannot tell you what an honor and a blessing it was to be prayed for by such amazing brothers and sisters in the Lord. After all of this I didn’t think I could take much more blessings but the Lord continues to amaze. As I was leaving the church my mom called me and said that someone at church gave a $100 for my trip tonight. The Lord continues to bless above and beyond what we could dream. I pray that I am a vessel that is even partially worthy of all these blessings and even more I pray that He would use me to bless others as He has blessed me.
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